I have never been suicidal, emotional or depressed. But at the same time, I was never happy, excited or alive.
I'm just an empty person.
I break down into tears at random timings, completely catching me off-guard.
Only I know what's happening to me.
My whole life is a mess.
My soul is broken.
Nothing can save me, even though how hard I tried.
My smiles are temporary, the pain is lingering.
My family thinks being sad is just a phase.
They tell me to smile and say they have had worst. They offer me 'advices' that I don't think is applicable for me.
Let me be honest, they have done nothing.
All I hear from them sometimes is;
"You're fat."
"You should go and lose weight."
"You have too much pimples on your face."
"You need to use blablabla to have better skin."
"Try doing some work to lose weight."
Discouraging. Insulting. The words just that just hurt me over and over again but I act like it's okay.
Why? Because I know how'd they react if I say I refuse to do any of these stuffs.
How is it related to me being sad?
Well, these are all the reason. Being pressured to be someone you don't want to be.
I get it. I'm not pretty, skinny or whatever like my other cousin am.
But I don't want to be like her.
I want to be who I want to be. If I change, it's all for my own good, not for anyone.
People can't leave me alone, only adding salt to my wound. Stabbing me over and over again with the same blade. That's how it feels like.
No one is proud of me. No one is happy for me. No one is grateful for me.
I have no one. I have only me, myself and I.
And my own self is killing me.
All I have to do is to be saved from myself.
Unfortunately, I'm already drowning in my own thoughts.
There is no escape.
